Dependency & Self Regulation

Perhaps you are not dependent on other people, but dependent on the regulation you never learned to give yourself. It could be that you are outsourcing something you haven’t yet learned: self-regulation.

It’s often the case that if another person is there …no matter how they treat you …. It can still feel like steadiness.

If that other person pulls away, you may spiral.

The body often knows before the mind can comprehend this dynamic. The body gives signals. It can sometimes feel like a panic attack. Not feeling safe to be alone.

Through the lens of attachment, it makes sense. When we don’t learn how to feel safe, soothed, or regulated as children, we grow up looking for that safety in others because it was never demonstrated to us by secure and stable adults. 

Children don’t come into this world knowing how to self-regulate. It is learned from parents and care givers through demonstration and consistency.

If that wasn’t available to us, we attach, we adapt, we reach…trying to recreate the sense of stability we weren’t able to build in our early years. 

A skilled breathwork facilitator can support you to create lasting change here. This won’t come from a one-off, highly cathartic experience. Change comes from a series of sessions which are gentle enough to be able to remain connected to the experience and develop a new awareness to self. It takes guidance from your facilitator to rewrite old patterns both in your sessions, and in your daily life. The facilitator can support you with healthy co-regulation, as well as introduce you to self sourcing and self-regulation.

It is then possible to see (and feel) how you abandon yourself in an attempt not to be abandoned by others. 

Human connection is necessary and healthy. It’s an innate part of being human. But shouldn’t feel like survival in day to day relationships.